Rhino-like skin…

Posted on May 19, 2012 by Sarah

 

(my little signed copy of Marieke’s book)

I wrestle with the idea that if I had my time again Id make my blog a private one. I wouldnt be sending links off to my family (hi mum!), Id keep my name away from it and Id use it as a record of my own thoughts and feelings without worrying how it’d be interpreted.

I listened to a session at a Writers Festival this week on the art of memoir. The art of sharing your inner most thoughts for people to read, dissect and comment on. A bit like blogging but with money and book launches and nice dresses (I have a thing for Marieke Hardy’s outfits). One of the questions that came up was the challenge of the overshare – the illusion that in sharing stories some think you can get closer to others but those stories (well as far as I see it) are only one piece of a person. One piece of a big fat juicy pie. People can choose what they write, how they write it just as the reader can choose how they take the written word and how much it resonates with them.

Some days I feel like Ill run out of stuff to talk about on my blog, that I dont have any more stories that Im prepared to give away, or realistically I dont really think anyone would be interested in reading them. Dont get me wrong Im not asking for people to say ‘please dont stop writing…I will fall over if you do’ (because lets face it I know you all would!), but I know that everyone has their own stories – everyone has a rich tapestry that makes up their lives and the sharing of another is just a drop in that ocean.

The thing is I love that ocean. I love the interconnectedness of sharing, of hearing how other people are going, of watching people develop rhino like skins in response to the world dealing them waaaaay too much stuff. It can dangerous to  put all those stories out them all out there because you might not get invited back to a family function any time soon but not sharing would also be a sad state of affairs.

I like that my mum texts me when something Ive written sits nicely with her, I like that my Dad keeps telling me to print out my blog and stick it in a book to show my kids when they get older. Its my story, from my perspective. I have other little secret ones but their for the novel that Ill write and use a nom de plume and then get rich and then have to out myself for a chance of a second book deal and an invite to talk on Sunrise.

What boundaries do you think people should put in place when sharing their stories, do you like reading memoir??

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Mixed messages…

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Sarah

I wrote a piece a while back for Childhood 101 and it was published this week. You can read it here.

I felt a bit anxious when I saw it actually in print (well on the screen) as I was worried that I’d done the overshare…that I mentioned too much about stuff that was packed up and popped under the bed. It fitted there quite nicely, there was no point bringing it out again. When I read it I panicked because I didn’t want to mention ‘mistake’ and my family in the same sentence. A wise friend once said to me that I shouldn’t write anything that I would want my kids reading when they are older that makes them see something about their arrival in a bad light, I want to protect my babies from everything.

Last week we decided to sponser a little kiddie after reading about Edenland’s trip to Africa…it was bloody hard to skip through all the pictures of kids that looked like mine, just with different clothes and smiles that weren’t as big. We settled on a little man that was the same age as our youngest and we now have his picture on the bookcase. The girls all looked at his stats, where he came from and what sort of family he had. We looked at the country he lived in, worked out how far it was from our home and then worked out how he’d fit in our lives.

I have a terrible habit of finding humour where there really shouldn’t be – I blame my Dad. Within 3 hours of the little man’s picture turning up I blamed a lost sock on him, which then led to my step-daughter blaming the last scoffing of the chocolate on him too. Its like he’s in the house with us now, we set a place for him at the table, make room for him in the car and use his name through most of our family chitchats. Its like his picture has come to life.

I try really hard to make my kids aware of the world, to show them the mistakes while protecting them, to make them accountable and then some days I act like a 5 year old. Nothing like teaching your kids the power of mixed messages.

I’m glad the little man is now part of our family – I’m hoping we get to hear about him grow, we hope he stays safe and in some way hope that the small part we play makes a little difference to the life he gets to lead.

I also like that his little face fits nicely amongst the others that line the shelves of our home…

Do you find consistency a drag? Id go bonkers if I had to do the right thing in front of the kids all the time.

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Tipping the scales

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Sarah

There are moments in life where you worry that the busy world that exists in your head is a weird old quirky one. Then when you have a chance over coffee, cake and a bit of sunshine you realise that it isn’t so odd after all.

Working as a social worker for so long allowed me into the quiet world of people’s minds, Im always interested to stop and listen to a persons life story. It reminds me of how vivid that world can be and how unique it is to each person. Most of the sadness and anxiety I listen to often gets attached to dates and times. The anxiety about the lead up to anniversaries, to birthdays or special events makes people relive the trauma and sadness about what has been taken from them.

In my own life I too live in the world of dates and times.  Of times where I think back to dates past, of days Id rather forget. The world of parenting is often fraught with anxiety – I realised that this morning as I left a library bag at home. I was too scared not to deliver it, I cant handle that look I get at the end of the day when Ive forced someone to look different than those around them.

My first Mothers Day was a shit one…it was full of pressure and sullen-ness and tense aggravation and that wasnt only from me. I’d never had a strong connection to the day but on my first one I felt the urge to be acknowledged for the hard work of birthing a small person, of the nights awake, of the tears shed by her and me but I didn’t get the hallmark day that had been promised. As a consequence every one from then on seems to be tarred with that same brush.

One of the best ways I know to move forward is to notice the tipping of the scales. When I can say Ive been apart from someone longer than with them, when my baby is older than it took to grow him inside me, when Ive been happier longer than Ive been sadder.

Its like it right the wrongs, its like times way of saying you’ve moved past it. Its like time gives you a chance to tell a different story – when the new ways replace the old ones. Like a snake shedding its skin.

I have other friends who do this…do you?

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Pen Pals

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Sarah

I was talking to my girl about sponsoring a child the other night. She wondered if the little boy on our computer screen would come and live with us, I explained that he wouldn’t – that he needed to be with his parents but that we’d be getting letters telling us how he was. She liked this – six year olds like getting mail. I do too.

I had 4 pen pals growing up. Three of them I cant remember much about – their names and faces seem to have vanished into that vault in my brain where all the odd stuff collects. Im hoping it doesn’t spill out one day. There was one gal that I wrote to for about 10 years. Her name was Jaci. She lived in Portland and strangely I can still recite her address off. That hasnt fallen in the vault.

I’ve never been to Portland, Oregon. I can remember when I was about 15 my Dad suggested that on our first big family holiday overseas that we pop in and see her. I was filled with fear – Id never imagined having a friendship with her in real life. What if it was wonky, what if we didnt connect? I declined my Dads offer…the pressure was too great.

We stopped writing once life took over. Once school was finished, once we got used to mouths without braces on them. I tried looking for her on Facebook last year but what would I have said ‘remember me, we used to write long letters on smelly stationary to each other’. I don’t know where she is.

Ive met a few new friends because of this blogging caper and at some writing courses. We have a lot of witty banter, we talk about good and deep stuff. Some days its like the ye olde days of pen pals…sometimes I worry how we’d be without that little barrier between us. Im meeting some of them in the flesh next week…only 7 days to worry about what to wear. First world problems over here my friend!

Today Im linking up with #ibot

Did you have a pen pal? Did you ever meet? 

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I am Julia Roberts…

Posted on May 6, 2012 by Sarah

In that movie Stepmom – except for the whole Susan Sarandon dying thing.

Ive been in a bit of a funk this week, all these thoughts swirling around my head about turning half way to 70. Yes, I have the tendency to catastrophize. Doesnt everyone?

I get stressed each May. Its a month of memories – some not so nice. I outrun them most of the time but then some days they catch up with me. I decided I was just going to treat today as a great day – I was going be grateful for my little family who made me brekkie, wrote me cards and let me sleep in…til 9!!!

I dont talk here much about my life as a step mum – its a private world full of contradictions, of highs and lows and its probably the hardest job Ive ever taken on – without even having a clue about how hard it was going to be. Its hard to split yourself between 4 people – 2 who dont understand my little quirks all of the time, 1 who is just a replica of me (and strangely has the same quirks) and a little man who donks everyone in the head with Thomas trains. He has quirks – we just haven’t claimed ownership of them yet.

This morning as I was swanning around in a haze of presents, FB messages and drop ins my phone rang and I missed the call.

When I looked back I realised it was my step daughter.

It was her call I had missed.

I rang her back and heard her little 12 year old voice on the end of the line, she cleared her throat and sang me happy birthday.

I think we’ll be alright – the 6 of us.

Im Linking up with Maxabella Loves 52 Weeks of Grateful this week…pop over here and read some of the other posts x

 

 

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Begin again

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Sarah

Some days the vision is far more clear than it is on others. Some days the thoughts get muddled by the mundane chores that come with small people – the constant preparing, planning, driving, dropping off, picking up, teeth brushing and then the inevitable collapse on the lounge safe in the knowledge that they will have to do it again tomorrow.

But on the days where there is a space to breathe the vision becomes crystal clear. There isn’t a mad rush to the airport, an online boarding card in hand as you run with your coffee to the closing doors. This time they arrive early, wander through the shops with overpriced pashminas and a chance to grab some terrible chick lit that while drown out that awful hum of the plane engine as you fly over vast chunks of sea. They look at each other, a quick smile, a shared excitement of what lay ahead.

He sleeps for a little while, she fidgets but not in an anxious way just one with anticipation for the break they’ve been waiting for. They met as exhausted single parents back in their thirties. There wasn’t a chance for weekend aways, long breakfasts or romantic interludes. It went straight from romance to routine but it wasnt something they begrudged it was just a reflection of the life they had led before their life led them to each other.

The next morning as they stumble off the plane and out of the airport eyes gritty from the dry air and the carb rich food served in little trays they hail a cab. It takes to them to the little boutique hotel with a cobbled courtyard that promises syrupy coffee and pastries for breakfast and lots of short strolls to places they’ve only read about. They slowly unpack – head out in the dreary rain, ducking and weaving through laneways and narrow streets watching the people ahead of them in their coats and umbrellas. Postcard images.

They take a breath, look at each other and find that this is where they begin again.

This week Im linking up with A Life Less Frantic...pop over the have a read x
Posted in Parenting | Tagged | 3 Comments

the downhill slide.

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Sarah

In 7 days time I turn 35.

I feel old.

Most days I feel like the 4 year old in the picture.

I was talking to my husband about an article in the paper about how sleep is the new frontier. I admitted to him that some nights when I climb into bed I think about the first scorching cup of coffee I’ll have when I wake, if I focus too much on the joy of sleep I know Ill be let down.

I caught up with a friend last night and my first question was did you get to sleep in this morning? She did. I often ask people who get to sleep, what its like. Did they wake and stretch luxuriously, ponder life, the universe and everything and then decide to slip out of the sheets and have a nice long shower?

Our mornings are like most for people with kids. There isnt really a wake up time, there is no need to set alarms, small people begin to bang against their cots slats just after 6…the other morning there was even a visit at 4am to share the joy that the tooth fairy had come. I dont remember if I ever appreciated the time in my 20s where I got to have a cuppa tea in silence. A friend said she imagines a cone of silence that descends on her to dull out the chatter of the little ones. A blogger shares pics of her hiding in her pantry. Nothing like a bit of solitude.

Not sleeping makes you feel old. You creak and groan and your body takes longer to warm up than it used to.

I asked my husband to share some pearl of wisdom about the passing of another year; his suggestion was that I should be happy that Im not as old as him.

Great. Now Im married to an old man.

Are you good with birthdays? Have those gorgeous creatures turned you into an old lady before your time?

 

 

Posted in Mental health, Parenting | Tagged | 9 Comments

the inner workings…a TSIB interview

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Sarah

I wrote a little something last week about standing on the edge, something that was explained to the crowd of people watching a graduation ceremony. Nat followed me on twitter and then we got started talking and then she sent me this.

I could understand some of the stuff that Nat shares. I went straight from school to university making me only 17 years old sitting at my first lecture wondering what the hell a paradigm was. When people would ask why I studied social work, Id say ‘because I didn’t want to be a nurse’. Some days Im still not sure of the answer.

Have a read, its an odd sort of day in Sydney – torrential rain and then blindingly light sunshine – winter is on its way. Enjoy.

Nat…tell me a little about you?

Ok, where do I start? My name is Natalie (or just Nat is cool) and I’m 21. I call Sydney home and live with mum, dad and a younger sister (who’s 17).  I play music in my spare time (however spare time is becoming less and less frequent as life moves forward!) I mainly play flute but also piano and saxophone to a lesser extent. When not making music, I can often be found buried in either a good book or in front of the TV with a girly movie.

I admit though – I find TV commercials entertaining. This irritates my dad who argues every single time I utter these 4 words “that’s a good ad”.

You’ve just recently graduated…what in?

Right after I finished high school I went to uni to complete a Business degree in marketing. I finished classes in October last year and officially graduated just before Easter!

What made you follow that path?

I get asked regularly what made me go down the marketing path. I’d really love to have this great, inspiring story to tell. But, the truth is…I don’t really know! It just happened. Whether it be fate, a complete accident or some major turning point that I didn’t notice at the time. Whatever it was, I am so thankful it happened.

As most people do, throughout school when I was asked the age old question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I had so many different answers depending on my age and what I was interested in at the time. These varied from school teacher, musician, psychology (because I enjoy exploring the inner-workings of the human mind), daycare worker…and in the end, I somehow settled into marketing! The only constant is I am still exploring the inner-workings of the human mind…just in a different way.

In that space between finishing uni and that long wait to graduate what issues did you ponder? What was the symbolism of the graduation ceremony?

For me personally, over the course of my degree I had a few health issues and so my degree hit a few roadblocks along the way. I finished 8 months later than originally planned from differing for a semester and the semester before the deferral was done at a part time workload. Because of all the little setbacks along the way, finally finishing was made just that little bit sweeter!

Having finishing in October and graduating the following April, I had 6 long months where I was technically finished…but not officially done. This lead to quite a lot of soul searching, particularly around the issue of who I am when I’m not a student. Being young, I went to uni right after high school and so this was the first time I couldn’t classify myself as a student. This was all new territory. On top of this, how did I classify myself now? I wasn’t a student, but didn’t have the parchment to prove I was now a marketing professional either.

Having that wait between finishing classes and graduating was like being in limbo. I was literally in some in-between space. It was 6 months of mixed feelings – I was happy to be done, it was so surreal to actually be finished, but at the same time, it was time to move on and leave the student Natalie behind (for now). Change can be both very exciting and scary!

Another thing I had experienced was the normal thoughts of “was this the right path to follow” and “would I be any good at it”. These thoughts crossed my mind on a few occasions, but, the thing is, by the time I finished classes, I had already been working part time for 3 months. Having finished the degree, there’s not only the physical ‘space in between’ of waiting for the big graduation day to come, but also a mental ‘space in between’ that needs to be adjusted and filled. Mentally, it’s the adjustment in mindset from being a fulltime student to being engaged in fulltime work that is the important part; even more important than the physical. The physical space won’t fall into place unless the mental space is on the right path.

Symbolically, the graduation ceremony was a defining moment that closed the gap that was my space in between. It was no longer ambiguous who I was. I have the recognition of what I had achieved. I now have the parchment that is framed hanging in my bedroom with my name on it. I now have an ending on the 2.5 year story that was my life as a uni student.

The grad ceremony can often feel a little like standing on the precipice waiting to take off….where are you headed to from here?

Where to from here? I’ve been working in a broad ranging assistant type role for 9 months now. This has been priceless throughout those first few months to give me a range of experience.  In the immediate short term, I plan to use the experience I have to find a role that will allow me to develop my skillset and experience further, but to also add my own personal touch to my work. All the while, always learning!

Thinking about long term career prospects though, the ultimate goal is to complete my masters degree after working for a while (probably 8 – 10 years). Aside from this, international experience would be amazing. I’d love to work in London and also travel through Europe.

Career-wise, I hope to develop my career further in the online environment and use all the social media trends and online mediums to work with not for profit organisations to really make a difference in someone’s life. If I could use all the skills and equipment I have at my disposal, and work to help just one person improve their life…my job is done. I will be very happy! Beyond this will be a bonus.

————————

Thanks Nat! You can follow Nat on twitter if you want. She is good at showing that you actually exist somewhere out there.

What about you – what made you go on and study? Did it shape the person you became?

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Seeking solitude

Posted on April 20, 2012 by Sarah

I was listening to a program on Radio National this morning about solitude (its fab, listen here). I was listening while in the garage trying to run  trying is the operative word on the treadmill and wondering if all the cards I had thrown in the air lately where going to land in the configuration I wanted.

As I stepped through the puddles in the backyard on the way to the backdoor my eye caught a little pink bucket in the middle of the lawn full of water. When I first met my husband he and I had become accustomed to the solitude of sole parenting. We both had our little behaviours that we had honed in separate houses once the small people were finally in bed. One of his was his rain gauge…it had its pride of place in the backyard, attached to a large stake in the ground – it looked like a test-tube within a bucket making it easier to capture the showers and downpours. Im sure thats not a very scientific explanation of a rain gauge? He would record the rainfall figures on a spreadsheet and then use it in conversations when he was stuck for something to say we got 8 ml last night he’d mention with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

One of my favourite Sex in the City episodes was the one where the girls shared their secret single behaviours…the things we do when no one can catch us, no one can ask why we are doing something that usually looks peculiar to the outside world. When Im alone I love popping my babes into bed, making a big bowl of cereal and lying on the lounge with a big mink blanket and watching complete series of the Gilmore girls…could life get any better? Im not sure if that is a rhetorical question or asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Some of us are great at solitude, we crave it, we look for opportunities for aloneness. But for others that aloneness presents as loneliness and the hours stretch ahead with a dismal gloom that only lifts when they are safely in the company of others.

I tipped out that bucket as I wandered into the house. I looked over at the rain gauge full of moss, its figures had stop being recorded long ago. Thats the thing about the behaviours of our solitude, they change and you find that for some (well for us) being alone together is the new secret single behaviour we crave.

Do you love solitude? What your secret single behaviour?

Posted in Mental health, Parenting | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

The voice (and no not the Delta Goodrem one)

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Sarah

I was sitting through a graduation ceremony this morning. The rain was pelting down outside and it was only one of a handful of times over the last few weeks that I was kid free.  It was nice to have my senses tuned into something other than the rustling of snacks in my handbag.

I made sure I watched each person who got their chance to stride across the stage, I had a little cry when the mum in front of me did an almighty yelp when her lanky son strode across the stage with an Honours degree of Bachelor of Ancient History. She did that little excitable wave when he glanced her way just like I do at school assemblies and preschool concerts. I wanted to acknowledge everyone, not just my amazingly talented and articulate sister.

At the end of the ceremony Dr Simon Longstaff from the St James Centre for Ethics stood up to speak. He didnt have any notes, he had prepared his thoughts throughout the ceremony watching people, listening to their achievements and pondering what it all meant to have so many people standing on the precipice.

I share a lot of stories on here, people tend to gravitate to the stories that need to be told, some might be a little more traumatic than others but they give the space to share a tiny piece of the self as well as creating a community of others to feel the comfort of ‘me too’.

Dr Longstaff’s thoughts focused on the need for people to use their voice. Standing in front of people in the humanities field he reflected on how the voice can often get dulled by the need to justify why we do something, how much it costs and whether or not we can predict the outcomes. He implored people to master the sound of their own voice ‘not to forget that voice, not to let it be set aside, not to surrender to not hearing that voice’.

My voice may be strong some days on here, some days I give the microphone to others. We all have a voice, we teach that voice to our kids and to our families around us. Watching people who have spent the majority of the last 5 years researching the construction of evil in young adult fiction or the politics of the new welfare state show that from researching, to blogging, to talking, to parenting, to working, to sharing; the power of the voice is strong. Don’t let yours be silenced x

Im Linking up with IBOT with Diary of a Stay at Home Mum today…pop over there and have a read

 

Posted in Mental health | Tagged , , | 18 Comments