November 2, 2011

The first firsts

Im one of those people that is a little over the top about dates and times…not in a sense of wanting to get somewhere but a sense of remembering where I was. My mum has always been a big one for dates and times too, every year as we grew she would start a few days out from our birthday with ‘this time 23 years ago I was telling the nurse that I needed to push and she didnt believe me’….I loved it as a kid and like all good mums its now something I do with my mine.

Dates and times can be good reminders of what has passed but it can also be a concrete reminder of what we’ve lost. Something pretty crap happened to me just under 6 years ago and since that moment in time Ive spent the lead up to the anniversary bracing myself…I go through the dates and times in my head, I remember what I was doing just before it happened, I replay the timeline in my head, I imagine for just a moment those sliding doors opportunities – what if I didnt come home at that time, what if I’d disapeared long before then anyhow…

The first year after it happened I spent 365 days reliving what had happened the year before, I’d think ‘this time last year I was doing…’ I kept wanting to remind myself of the time I was unaware of what was to unfold. I braced myself for my first birthday , I braced myself for the first Christmas and then I braced myself for the anniversary. There was a lot of bracing…my teeth still hurt.

The first, firsts were the hardest because I didnt have a memory of the year before that was similar to the life I was now living. Strangely after the first, firsts passed I still found the second, seconds difficult but at least I could put myself in the same spot exactly a year before and not feel like I was drowning.

This year marks the sixth, sixths….and like all the ones before there will be some remembering but I know that I’ve done it 6 times before and who knows one day I might stop counting.

What about you? Are you a ‘this time last year’ kinda person?


Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. Regardless of whether you stop counting or not, I’ll be here to count with you, and to make sure that your first, firsts can bring you different memories now. x

  2. I am definately a dates and “this time last year girl”, but I love to finish that with ” I wonder what will I be doing this time next year”. The first firsts are tough, but the space between them and the future dates can be hopeful and exciting. P.S Your husband is a sweetie. X


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