I think I should write an e-book on blog traffic. Over the last 48 hours sharing this post, this post and this piece I wrote for Essential Kids Ive had almost 1000 people come to read ideas of being a mum from different, non hallmark, perspectives. Thank you.

mumdayI travelled overseas with my mum and my daughter a long time ago for a few months. One morning in our cramped little hotel room in London my mum was sitting on the bed bouncing my girl up and down. I was putting the finishing touches to an outfit for a meeting I had in the next borough – it was an important meeting. I turned to my mum and asked her if everything looked ok and she told me that since becoming a mum Id become even more beautiful. Like I had grown into a new glowing version of myself.

On Friday as I was lining up all the words on my blog ready for the weekend I took a bit of time out. The kids were happily watching Frozen for the 11th time that day. I had been banned from singing and dancing through the lounge room crooning ‘do you wanna build a snowman’ so I took the ipad out back to the garage and jumped on the treadmill.

The PhD journey not only asks a lot from your brain but it adds a significant width to your butt.

I switched over to a doco about one summer in the office of Births, Deaths and Marriages in Westminster. A love me a good reality TV narrative that doesn’t involve voting someone off an island or weighing someone. A watched and laughed and cried as people explored the cradle to the grave concept of admin work and the stories shared with people standing awkwardly behind a desk. There was one story that stood out – a couple jumping out of a cab quickly asking some passers-by to be their witnesses joking that it was just a civil marriage service and that the bigger day was to come. I cringed.

My first marriage happened just over a decade ago. In the big city of Auckland New Zealand at 3pm on a Friday. It was the last wedding of the day at the registry office. I remember telling that story to my work colleagues when I came into the tea room the month before, just after I decided to go ahead with the day. They all congratulated me on the big announcement. They didn’t know that we had been engaged the year or so before but I had self-consciously hidden the ring most days at work. Im not a flashy person but I knew it had been purchased in haste, with borrowed money from a man we had met in Cairns. The boss I had at the time – a scary stern woman looked me straight in the eye and said ‘whats the rush?’ I laughed. I changed the subject. Not telling her I really didnt want to go through with it. I pushed the thoughts away. We’d been together for 4 years. It would allow us to move home. Surely that was a good enough idea.

The morning of the wedding I woke. Sick with fear. I arranged to get my hair done because thats what brides do. I hadn’t invited my family over, telling them it would not be worth it for a short ceremony. People from work had been invited out for dinner that night. Two witnesses we barely knew had agreed to come to the office with us. I told myself it was just a piece of paper, no big deal but as I stood alone in the waiting room waiting for the car to be parked I had that feeling that washes over at you when the universe stops carelessly whispering at you but screams a long loud screech telling you to run.

My sense of obligation, of guilt, of not wanting 24 1/2- year-old me to make a fuss left me sitting there. I called my parents afterwards telling thm it was lovely, leaving out the screaming in my ears and filling them in on the fun night ahead with a bunch of strangers. I’d never felt more alone in my life.

Five years ago I got married to my true love. With our three lovely daughters by our side. With my Dad lovingly walking me down the aisle sobbing loudly in only a way that he can. As I went to sit down after I had finished my speech – as my husband held my hand – I glanced over at my mum who was wiping her eyes. Holding the hand of her husband who she loves with all her heart and I realised that it was no big deal to have married alone before – of hastily turning up like the couple in the doco – of sharing vows that really I had no business in sharing at the time because on the day I needed her she was there.

She was right. When I became I mum I turned into who I was meant to be.

Happy Mothers Day ma x

(now if someone could just remind me of the need to make mistakes when my daughter becomes a teenager that would be great)

How did mothering make you whole-hearted?

Thats it for the #tsibmum posts – thanks so much for sharing your time by coming here and reading. I run interviews all the time about spaces…get in touch if you have one x

Join the conversation! 1 Comment

  1. Hi Sarah
    Great to read your blog on getting married, been there done that too – in a different way. Why can’t we ‘hear’ or listen to those inner voices more readily? What stops us actually believing in ourselves and not giving more credence to the need to do what’s expected? Oh hindsight makes it all so clear.
    But you now have the right life for you and that’s fantastic. So do I but took many years to get here.
    Keep on blogging – your words are always interesting and thought-provoking.
    Sarah xx


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