There is a disconnect between the words that sometimes pop out of my mouth and the ones I truly believe. I often catch myself at training courses thinking ‘oh that sounds fab’ and then I walk out the door and forget that that conversation even took place. I often explain concepts to my students or my clients and then forget to practice them myself.
Its been almost three years since I stepped foot into the freelance writing world. At my son’s newborn support group I sat with a bunch of strangers sharing tales of sleepless woe and I uttered the undeniable truth of many women. I said I was bored. My babies are my passion but even at my most passionate I needed a little bit of light just for me. My writing was the first place I turned. To here. To a writing course. To my masters. To my PhD. My boy turns 4 this year. There is no longer the time to say Im bored. He’d make sure that I had something to build, or play, or crash. I love him.
I stumbled along over those years; picking up momentum everytime I wrote something, sold something, submitted something and soon it became more about the ticking off than the process of. I stopped reading magazines, those guilt pleasured troves of diet tips and break ups. I stopped looking at the society pages, the journal papers that would have grabbed my attention and I saw the world through the outcomes I could produce.
If I still owned my purple beep beep Barina my ‘life is about the journey not the destination’ bumper sticker would have been ripped off, a lie. I didnt care about the big picture when the short term gains spoke louder.
Im smack bang in the middle of the my children’s childhood. Our lives are consumed by the clock. Pick up, drop of, ballet, swimming, netball, touch football, swimming, more dance. There isn’t much time to ponder the universe like I did all those years ago when I admitted I had a problem sitting still. If I had my time over I might tap that girl on the shoulder tell her to embrace the boredom and learn to sit with it.
Life is filtering down for me now. I feel like I took a match to my old public service career and now that the dust is settling. That the PhD journey is slowly taking shape. I begin to see the stuff that makes my heart sing.
And this time Ill be sitting amongst it rather than at the finish line, looking back wondering why I sprinted when I could have shuffled.
Hows your shuffle going? Wanna shuffle with me?