My daughter has had a rocky start to the school year…her teacher said she seemed ‘change resistant’ last week and I laughed because its the thing I remember most about growing up….on the eve of my tenth birthday I was panicked about the idea of turning double digits because I was so frightened everything would change. My baby is the same, she wants it all to be just like it is now and its hard to lie and say it will be, when you know that life always has other ideas. Ive been trying to work out how I can show her that being open to new things can actually be a positive..
Some of the blogs I love have been a bit quiet lately…Karen from the Rhythm method has announced a break in transmission and I think I have been doing the same too but in a way I’m present but absent. Im hoping my absence = less anxiety.
I spent a lot of time last year behaving like a dog chasing its tail, trying to try new things and feeling like I was going to fall over at the end of every day. It all culminated in feeling edgy for most of the time and not really having a clear vision about what it was all about…there’s been a lot of talk lately about feeling anxious, about racing against the clock and I realised last week that the only person that can change this is me. We set ourselves so many things to do, so many tasks to complete so much perfection to attain but in the midst of my hot salty tears last weekend I said to my husband that racing out of the house to get to something I didnt really want to go to was not the thing I would high five myself for on my death bed but that Id prefer to congratulate myself on staying true to my convictions, being passionate and having a loving family that surrounds me (interspersed with moments of screaming at children to hurry up, get dressed and find odd socks – no one is perfect).
So this year I might not write as much as I hope, I might not achieve everything on my list (reminding myself that I said bugger to the bucket list last year) and I just might focus on being absent but present. I might schedule in a bit of day dreaming time, a bit of time to stare out the window and think of nothing much but Im guessing in return I might not feel like a boa constrictor is tightening its grip on me. Each. And. Every. Day. Im hoping that by me being calm it might rub off on the house…tell me it will?
Its day 8 of my absent but present quest and for once I havent woken up with a whirring list running through my head…I might for once just sit and let the day unfold without killing myself with the craziness (it might also be the rest and restore multivitamins…they rock!)
Whats your plans for 2012…you going to join me in being absent but present?