December 14, 2015

To love after love

Next week it will be a decade since my first marriage ended. Love after love was high on my list of priorities in those early days, ways to navigate the dark arduous moments of being left to care for my daughter. A decade is a long time to be pondering those wounds, the wounds that have impacted the way I attach to others, the way I work and the way I talk to myself. I hadn’t realised how much sadness I’d swallowed until physically my body started telling me that it was full just last year. The stories of others, through the course of my work, had also been consumed. I was brimming with trauma.

As I approach a decade of navigating, co-constructing with my heart and my head, this new life I had a breakthrough moment on Saturday evening. I’d gone alone to here Oprah speak in Sydney, Australia. I booked the tickets two months ago while on a post-PhD holiday in Fiji where I was the most exhausted I’d been in a long time. I broke my silence and sobbed deep, heaving tears to my husband and slowly I feel like Im coming back out the other side as I begin to honour my calling, following those bloody whispers and doing the work I love to do. I had to stop living in a way that forced me to look at my own reflection, a way of telling my truth.

The breakthrough came when Oprah read out this poem to the audience. A tear slid down my cheek as I listened to the lines ‘you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the others welcome’

Love after love

Ive spent the last couple of months tweaking and polishing my new website, where this blog now sits nestled amongst the other work I do. I intentionally kept it separate for a long time, scared that if I combined my internal rumblings with my exterior people maybe wouldn’t see me as being the professional, capable, passionate worker I am but you know what? Im only those things because of what goes on inside my head. The feedback I get from my supervision sessions or workshops reminds me of this daily because I bring ME to the table. Not a polished version of what I think people might need.

So as the 10 year anniversary looms Im going to catch myself – in the mirror, at my own front door and Ill smile at the real, warrior woman inside. The one who thought they should look for external love after love when maybe all along I should have looked inside.

Crisis can be a gift, Ive gone on to live well with the sadness. Its given me insights and gifts that I wouldn’t have found if life hadn’t happened along the way’.

A good reminder for those looking for love after love.

Stay safe this holiday season,

much love,

Sarah

Join the conversation! 8 Comments

  1. That’s a great blog Sarah, I can relate to everything you say. Thanks so much for writing about a very personal and private experience, I reckon it’ll help a few people.

    Love the new website too!
    Sarah xx

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  2. This is beautiful Sarah, thank you for sharing your own personal inspiration with others. Kindest Melissa x

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  3. Live well with the sadness. Wow.

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  4. Sarah this is beautiful. Amidst all of your qualifications, PhD nonetheless, you are a writer with beautiful words and lots to say that is real, sometimes raw and often inspirational. You are right – we are funny how we see our own reflections. I come from a writing background (as a journalist) but often doubt my ability to write about things so as to help people. I’m not a psychologist, counsellor or a coach and yet I yearn to bring the insights I’ve learned from yoga training/teaching and just life in general to help people with the words that I hope I know how to write. Look how far you have come in 10 years and how exciting that the journey to your inner wisdom continues.
    Kathy recently posted…Reinvention, again and again and againMy Profile

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    • It is a journey back inwards to yourself Kathy. The self doubt propels you forwards in good ways I think, you strive to learn more and be more all the time. Happy christmas to you and your family x
      Sarah recently posted…To love after loveMy Profile

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